The Secret Meetings Of Akatsuki
by HieiDragonFire
Summary: It's hard to run an evil ninja organization. Especially if one of your members dies at every meeting you have.
1. Chapter 1

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : One.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and stared at the other members of Akatsuki. He sighed and then looked at Hidan.

"So ,'' Madara began , "Welcome one and all to the new super powered evil organization Akatsuki.''

Everyone clapped. An orange masked boy raised his hand. Madara sighed. "Yes , Tobi ?''

"Tobi wants a pony ,'' the orange masked boy stated.

"Sure , okay ,'' Madara said , "Konan , go get him a pony. Okay. Now that we're an evil organization we can finally bring our true goal to order.'' He rose his fist in the air. "WORLD DOMINATION !'' Everyone stared at him. "What ? What's wrong ? Why are you all staring at me ?''

"Isn't world domination going a little too far ? ,'' Pein asked.

"No ,'' he said , "World domination is crucial for our survival. If we don't take over the world then someone else with a stronger group and stronger jutsu would kill us and then we'd be kaput.'' Tobi rose his hand. Madara sighed. "Yes , Tobi ? What is it ?''

"Tobi just got really really really cool idea ,'' the orange masked boy said.

Madara sighed.

"Fine ,'' he said , "Let's hear it.''

"Tobi thinks we should capture all the tailed beasts and then use them to rule the world ,'' Tobi stated , "Doesn't that sound stupendous or what ?''

"He has a point ,'' Pein said.

"Eh. . . . .I don't know about that idea particularly ,'' Madara replied , "His idea has class. I'll give him that , but we need a plan so evil , so vile , so. . . . .

"Vicious ? ,'' Konan asked.

"Thank you , Konan ,'' he replied , "A plan so vicious that it would make Orochimaru's plan to brainwash all the little boys and rape them look like a cat fart.''

"HEY ! ,'' Orochimaru shouted from his finger on the hand.

"I've got it ,'' Deidre said.

All the Akatsuki members stared at their blonde comrade.

"We can each hide in a closet and -

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ! ,'' Tobi sang.

"TOBI , SHUT UP ! ,'' Deidre shouted.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA !''

"TOBI ! ,'' he shouted.

"LA LA LA LA - AHHHHHHHHHHHHH !''

Deidre kicked him off of his finger and the masked ninja fell to the ground with a thud. "Ow. Tobi hurt.''

Madara blinked and shook his head.

"Alright ,'' he said , "Let's try to stay focused people. Come on.''

Everyone started thinking.

"_I wonder what Deidre looks like naked ?_ ,_" _Itachi thought.

"_I want cookies ," _Tobi thought.

"_Rape. Rape. Rape. Rape ,"_ Orochimaru thought.

"_I wish I had bigger boobs ,"_ Konan thought.

"_Teddy Bear. No. Sugar. Yeah. Sugar. No. Teddy Bear ,"_ Deidre thought.

"_I've got small balls ,"_ Sasori thought.

"_I like soap ,"_ Kisame thought.

"_I like bubbles in my bath ,"_ Zetsu thought.

"_I need to pee ,"_ Pein thought.

"_World domination ,"_ Madara thought , "Alright. Everyone have an idea ?''

They all nodded. "Let's hear it.'' Tobi rose his hand. "Yes , Tobi ?''

"Tobi wants cookies ,'' Tobi replied.

Madara sighed.

"I said think of an evil plan , Tobi ,'' he said , "Not cookies.''

"Oh ,'' Tobi said.

"I have a plan ,'' Deidre stated.

"Oh ? ,'' Madara replied turning to the blonde ninja , "Let's hear it then.''

"Alright ,'' he stated , "Prepare to be blown away , fuckers. I think we should all buy teddy bears and kiss them goodnight.''

Madara stared at him in shock.

"I've got small balls ,'' Sasori said.

"WHAT ?! ,'' Madara shouted.

"I - ,'' Kisame started.

Suddenly a harpoon went flying through the air and stabbed Kisame through the chest. Kisame looked down. "Oh. . . . .fuck.'' Everyone looked at their fish comrade. "Bye bye.'' Kisame waved at the other Akatsuki members and then fell off of his finger. His body fell to the ground. Madara blinked.

"What the fuck ? ,'' he asked , "What the fuck just happened to Kisame ?''

"I'll find the culprit ,'' Itachi said , "How dare he do that to my ever so cool friend Kisame.'' Itachi jumped off his finger. Then he remembered he couldn't fly. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !'' CRASH ! Itachi broke his neck.

"What the fuck ? ,'' Madara asked , "That's two dead members in one day and one of them was a family member. Oh , Itachi I shall miss you. Well I'm getting tired. You can all go home now. Meetings over. See you all next week.''

Madara walked off. The other Akatsuki all walked off.

End Of Chapter : 1.


	2. Chapter 2

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Two.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and stared at his comrades. It had been a week since Kisame's death and everyone was sad. . . .for about one day and then they got over it. Itachi had been brought back to life thanks to a jutsu Pain knew. The only problem was that he could only revive one person. So Madara insisted that it be Itachi and not Kisame since he never liked Kisame in the first place. Madara picked up a trumpet and started to play it. He played a song for their dead comrade and then threw the trumpet to the ground.

"Alright ," Madara stated , "Kisame's wake is over. Let's get on with coming up with a new plan." He looked around at all the other members. "Any ideas ? Hmm ?"

Everyone was silent. "Well don't all speak up at once. We've got forty minutes until the meetings adjourned for the week."

"I have silent gas ," Tobi said.

"Well that's. . . .good to know , Tobi ," he replied , "Thanks for sharing. Come on. Any ideas people ? Itachi ? You're an Uchiha. Give use your insight on a new plan." Everyone stared at Itachi. He started sweating. Everyone was making him nervous. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. "Itachi ?" Itachi stared at Madara.

"What ? ," he asked.

"Are you alright ? ," Madara asked.

"I. . . .I . . . .ALRIGHT , I DID IT ! ," Itachi shouted , "I DID IT ! THERE ! NOW YOU HAPPY ?! HUH ?! HUH ?! HUH ?!"

Madara blinked.

"Did what ? ," he asked.

"I. . . . .Nothing ," Itachi said , "Don't worry about it. Carry on."

Madara blinked again.

"Oooookay ," Madara stated , "Orochimaru ? What about you ? Do you have a plan ?"

"I - ," Orochimaru started.

"One that doesn't involve raping little boys ," he hissed.

"Nope ," Orochimaru said.

"I have a plan ," Sasori said.

Madara yawned.

"Okay. Let's hear it."

"I think we should start a rock band ," Sasori said.

Madara stared at him.

"And ?"

"And ? ," Sasori asked.

Madara slapped his hand over his eyes.

"HOW IS THAT EVIL ?!"

"Oh ," he said , "Hmm. I don't know. I'll have to think about that."

Sasori pulled out some crayons and sat down. Next he laid a piece of paper on the ground and then started to draw.

"Whatever ," Madara stated.

"I might have a plan ," Konan said.

Madara turned to her.

"What ? ," he asked.

"We should all become swimsuit models ," Konan stated.

"And ? ," Madara asked.

"And then . . . .and then. . . . .I don't know ," she finished.

"OH , GOD ! ," Tobi shouted.

"What ? ," Madara asked.

"THERE'S A SPIDER ON DEIDRE'S HEAD ! ," he shouted.

"WHERE ?! ," Deidre shouted , "GET IT OFF ME !"

Next the blonde ninja started to shake and thrash about.

"Don't worry , Deidre ," Sasori said , "I'll save you."

Sasori pulled out a sword and jumped up in to the air. Next he swung and cut off Deidre's head. The blonde ninja's head went flying off his body and then his body fell off it's finger and fell to the ground with a thud. "Whoops." Itachi walked up behind Sasori and slapped him upside the head. "OW !"

"WAY TO GO FUCK TARD ! ,'' he shouted.

"What ? ," Sasori asked , "It was an accident. How was I supposed to know he was just going to stand there ?"

"Damn it ," Madara said , "That's our second dead member. Alright meetings adjourned. See you all in a month."

End Of Chapter : 2.


	3. Chapter 3

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Three.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and stared at the ground. He was now down to only ten members. With Deidre and Kisame dead things weren't going to be the same. He sighed and then looked up.

"Alright ," Madara stated , "Now that were all gathered for our third meeting this year let's get down to business. Alright. Now dose anybody have any ideas on a game plan or some diabolical plan of some sort ? Hm ? Hm ?" He looked around the lair at all the other members. No one said anything. "Well don't all speak up at once." Hidan rose his hand. "Yes , Hidan ?"

"I like strippers ," Hidan said , "And licking dead ferrets."

Madara smiled.

"If you can come up with an evil plan I'll give you all the dead ferrets you want and more ," he said.

"Okay ," Hidan replied , "Um. . . . . . .pink ?"

"Pink ? ," Madara asked.

"What ? ," he asked , "It's a pretty color."

"I said come up with a plan ," Madara said.

"Ohhhhhhhh ," Hidan said.

He began to think and then got lost in thought. Madara sighed. Running Akatsuki was starting to become more trouble than it was worth. Tobi started to jump up and down.

"TOBI HAS A PLAN ! TOBI HAS A PLAN ! TOBI HAS A PLAN ! ," the masked boy shouted.

Madara jumped from his finger over to Tobi's finger and grabbed him by the front of his cloak. Next he started to slap him around. He slapped him five times and then stopped.

"Calm down and tell me your plan ," Madara said.

"Okay ," Tobi said , ". . . . . .

"Tobi ? ," he asked.

"I forgot ," Tobi replied , "Sorry. I had a plan , but then I started thinking about how long spaghetti was and I lost my plan."

Madara let him go and jumped back to his finger. Next he heard humming. Madara looked up and saw Konan humming.

"What are you doing ? ," he asked.

"Hmmm - what ? ," Konan asked.

"What are you doing ? ," Madara asked.

"Humming ," she said , "What's it sound like ?"

"It sounds annoying ," Madara said , "Stop it."

"Oh ? Is this annoying you ? ," Konan asked.

"Yes ," he replied , "Very much."

"Would you like me to stop ? ," Konan asked.

"Yes ," Madara stated , "I would."

"Alright ," she said.

"Alright ," Madara replied , "Come on , people. Can't someone think of some evil diabolical plan that involves something that doesn't require raping children ?" Madara looked around the room at the other members. "Anyone ?" He waited. "No ?" Suddenly a gun went off and the bullet hit Hidan in the heart.

"Ahhhhhh. . . .shit ," Hidan stated.

Then he fell off his finger and fell to the ground dead. Madara stared down at Hidan's now lifeless body and sighed.

"Fuck ,'' Madara said , "Alright , who the fuck shot Hidan ?''

They looked over at Tobi who was holding a gun.

"Tobi sorry ," the masked ninja said , "Forgive , Tobi. Tobi not mean to shoot Hidan. It was an accident."

"I thought Hidan was supposed to be immortal ? ," Konan asked.

They stared at his lifeless body.

"I guess not ," Madara replied , "Shit beans. Well see you all next month."

End Of Chapter : 3.


	4. Chapter 4

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Four.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and looked around at the other members of Akatsuki. He sighed.

"Welcome to our fourth meeting everybody ," Madara said , "Now dose anybody have any schemes , evil plans or something that requires us to do something evil ?" He looked around the room. "Anyone ?" He waited. "Hmm ?" No one answered. "Since no one is going to answer I'll just pick some one to answer." Madara pointed at Tobi. "Tobi pick someone to answer."

"Okay ," Tobi said.

Next he started to spin in a circle. He did this for several minuets until he pointed to Konan.

"Well , Konan ? ," Madara asked.

"Um. . . .We could sell beauty products that have some type of poison in them ," Konan said.

"Hmm ," he said thinking about her plan.

"Ohh ," Tobi stated , "Tobi not feel so -

Next Tobi lifted up the part of his mask covering his mouth , threw up and then fell of his finger. He landed on the floor and snapped his neck.

"OHHHHHHHHHH , FUCK ! ," Madara shouted.

"Tobi ? ," Konan asked.

"Shit ," he stated , "Alright. See you next week."

End Of Chapter : Four.


	5. Chapter 5

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Five.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and sighed. Four of his members were now dead and now they were down to only eight. Madara began to think that maybe Akatsuki was cursed. It wouldn't be much of a group if every time you had a meeting a member died.

"Alright ," Madara said , "Welcome to our fifth meeting everyone."

"I like little boys ," Orochimaru stated.

"We know ," Pein replied , "Freak."

Orochimaru smiled and then shut up.

"Alright ," Madara stated , "Now what can our plan be ? Dose anyone have any ideas ?"

"I - ," Kakuzu started.

Next Kakuzu's cross bow went off and the arrow sailed across the hideout and bounced off a rock. It was headed straight for Kakuzu.

"WATCH OUT ! ," Pein shouted.

Next the arrow stabbed in to one of Kakuzu's hearts. He looked at the arrow and then stared around at everyone. They all stared at him in shock.

"What ? ," Kakuzu asked.

"How are you still alive ? ," Madara asked , "That arrow went straight in to your heart ?"

"I have five hearts ," he explained , "As long as one is still intact I can not die."

"Cool ," Madara said smiling.

Kakuzu pulled out the arrow which caused all of his other hearts to suffer oxygen deprivation and he fell off of his finger and landed on the ground dead as a doornail.

"What. . . .the. . . .fuck ? ," Pein said , "Is he dead ?"

"Yep ," Madara stated , "Shit. Alright. That ends that meeting. See you all next week.''

End Of Chapter : 5.


	6. Chapter 6

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Six.

Madara Uchiha sat down and sipped his tea. Could Akatsuki actually be cursed ? That would explain why every time they had a meeting a member was killed. He pondered this while he drank his tea.

Madara stood on his finger and looked around at the other members of Akatsuki. He sighed. Here we go again.

"Alright ," Madara said , "Now dose anybody have a plan ? Anyone ?"

"We should kidnap girl scouts and hold them for ransom ," Zetsu said.

Madara stared at him. Next he pulled out a gun and shot Zetsu through the heart. Zetsu coughed. "Shit." Next he fell off his finger and landed on the ground dead. Madara blinked.

"DAMN IT ! ," Madara shouted.

Next he threw his gun down and began to walk off. "NEXT WEEK !"

End Of Chapter : 6.


	7. Chapter 7

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Seven.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and sighed. He looked around and cleared his throat.

"Alri - ," Madara started.

Suddenly Orochimaru walked up to Itachi.

"Hi ," he said.

"Go away ," Itachi replied coldly.

"You have nice hair."

"Leave me alone."

"I want to touch it."

"Fuck off."

He touched Itachi's hair and started to rub it against his face.

"OH ! ," Orochimaru squealed , "It feels just like -

Next Itachi punched his hand through Orochimaru's chest , grabbed his heart and pulled it out. He looked at it and then threw the heart on to the ground. Blood dripped off his hand. Itachi looked down at Orochimaru's dead body and blinked.

"FUCK ! ," Madara shouted , "WHY CAN'T YOU ALL GET ALONG ?! NEXT WEEK !"

He ran away crying.

END OF CHAPTER : 7.


	8. Chapter 8

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Eight.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and sighed. It was time for their eighth meeting. He looked at Pein and then began to wonder if they would ever make it through at least ONE meeting without someone dying. The odds of that happening were at least 1 in 1,000. Madara chuckled. It was time to begin. THIS time they would make it through. THIS time no one would die. THIS time - Suddenly Sasori pulled out a razor and cut his wrist. Next he fell off of his finger and his dead body landed on the ground with a sickening crack. Madara slapped his hand over his eyes. Next week.

END OF CHAPTER : 8.


	9. Chapter 9

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Nine.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and sighed. He looked around at the remaining three members. Konan. Pein. Itachi.

"Alright ," Madara stated , "Now that we have called this meeting to order. I - GOOD SHIT ! WHAT IS THAT THING ?!'' Pein turned around just in time to see a giant bird fly down and grab his head in it's mouth. The giant bird then flew up in to the sky , ripped his head off and then flew away with his body. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ?!" Frustrated Madara walked back to his chambers. "NEXT WEEK !"

END OF CHAPTER : 9.


	10. Chapter 10

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Ten.

Madara Uchiha stood on his finger and rubbed his temples. This was becoming a real pain. Wait. Isn't Pain dead ? Oh , well.

"Alright ," Madara began , "Dose anybody have any idea what were going to do with only THREE members ? HUH ?!" The number three was a number that infuriated Madara to no end. It was so annoying. So stupid. So -

"OOPS !" Suddenly Konan slipped and fell off of her finger. She hit the ground and snapped her neck dying on impact. Madara sighed and slapped his hand over his face.

"Next week ," Madara growled.

END OF CHAPTER : 10.


	11. Chapter 11

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Eleven.

Madara Uchiha sat with Itachi Uchiha playing shogi. He sipped his tea. Tea was relaxing. It relaxed ones nerves when they were under extreme stress. Having ten members of your group die within the span of ten weeks will do that to you. Madara smiled at Itachi.

"This is great ," Madara said , "You and me. Sitting here playing shogi. And nothing could possibly go wrong." Itachi smiled and then took a bite of some cheese. Next he started to cough violently. "What's wrong ? Are you okay ?" Next he fell on to his back and closed his eyes. Madara got up and ran to his fallen comrade's side. He checked for a pulse. He found none. Madara kicked the table over and walked out of the room. "DAMN IT !"

END OF CHAPTER : 11.


	12. Chapter 12

NARUTO :

"The Secret Meetings Of

Akatsuki''

Chapter : Twelve.

Madara Uchiha sat in his room and sighed. All of the Akatsuki were dead except him. He was the only one left. He was all alone. He looked at himself in the mirror and then wondered if it was a mistake to even make the Akatsuki in the first place. He was such a fool. He sighed and walked in to the dining room.

Madara sat down and picked up a Cracker Jack box. Next he began to eat them. He finished the box and then walked outside. It was a nice night. Madara looked up and saw something in the sky. He squinted. Madara activated his Mangekyo Sharingan to see the object more clearly. It was at that precise moment when a meteorite smashed in to Madara Uchiha's head killing him in an instant. Damn it.

THE END.


End file.
